A Word From Baker Street
by Angels-Protegee
Summary: People write to John Watson every day, seeking advice and answers to their simplest questions. Now, he's writing back.
1. Chapter 1

**OMG! A story that has nothing whatsover to do with Phantom of the Opera! It's a miracle!**

**Many thanks to my-echo and Cyberwulf for pieces like "Dear Denethor" and "Ask Erik" for inspiring this in the first place. This, as you may have guessed, is Watson's advice column! I'll be following Arthur Conan Doyle's stories for the most part, but there might be a few surprises down the road. Enjoy!**

Dear Dr. Watson,

What _really _happened between Holmes and Irene Adler?

A Curious Reader

_Dear Curious,_

_I have already told the public what _really _happened when Holmes rendered his services to the King of Bohemia. That was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If, perhaps, you are looking for a more romanticized fabrication, I suggest you ask Mr. Guy Ritchie._

* * *

Dr. Watson,

Half the public and the Holmes fan community are breathing down my neck criticizing me for my recent film adaptations. Where exactly did I go wrong?

Stumped Behind the Camera

_Dear Stumped,_

_Speak of the Devil…Well, sir, I really don't know what to tell you. My field is in medicine, and while moving pictures are a fascinating diversion, I'm afraid I lack the expertise necessary to advise you. For what it's worth, I enjoyed your films. Holmes, however, informs me you would have done better to stick to the facts, as it was an excellent opportunity to instruct the public on the science of deduction._

* * *

Dearest doctor,

I have had several headaches recently accompanied by dizziness and faintness. What is your diagnosis?

Under the Weather

_Dear Under,_

_Come to my office for further examination on Monday around noon. In the meantime, I suggest rest and have a brandy._

* * *

My dear Dr. Watson,

I've had slurred speech as of late, my judgment has been severely impaired, my inhibitions have all but vanished, my coordination isn't what it should be, and I've lost all ability to walk in a straight line. What is wrong with me? Is there a cure?

Ill and Puzzled

_Dear Puzzled,_

_My suggestion to you is to leave the brandy alone for the time being and see how you feel after a dry spell._

* * *

Dr. Watson,

There is a nosy investigator prying into my personal affairs, and he's being rather a nuisance. Please inform him once and for all that I am merely a professor, that I have no ties whatsoever to London's criminal element, and that if he persists in annoying me, I shall have to put a stop to him.

Fed-Up

_Dear Professor Moriarty,_

_Being a man every inch as intelligent as my colleague, surely you understood before you wrote that no amount of reasoning would turn Holmes from your trail. I can't fathom what you hoped to accomplish, but rest assured you would have just as little luck appealing to Holmes himself. My advice? Turn yourself in before he nails you to the wall. And have a brandy._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

As admired as Mr. Holmes is by the public, you are the one that receives the most female attention. Why is this?

Just Wondering

_Dear Holmes,_

_No! Kidding! Dear Wondering, you're absolutely right. Holmes is brilliant, cultured, good-looking, suave, and talented. But what can I say? Women love a man in uniform, and they can't resist the bullet scar._

* * *

Dear Watson,

My flatmate is a wonderful fellow, but he has a habit of relocating my personal effects. How should I get him to stop this behavior?

Frustrated Lodger

_For the last time, Holmes, I haven't touched the cocaine bottle! But while we're on the subject, it's an appalling habit, especially in one with a mind such as yours, and you would do well to kick it…but I repeat: I. Have not. Touched it._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

What's _really _going on between you and Holmes?

_Oh Lord, one of _those….

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

What do you do when you're not treating patients, working a case with Holmes, or writing about working a case with Holmes?

_I enjoy rugby, Mr. Poe's works, light exercise, and good music._

_P.S. I am not now, nor have I ever been a gambling man, just to clear the air on that. Thank you._

* * *

My dearest John,

Will you be home for supper this evening?

Your Loving Wife

_My darling Mary,_

_Of course I will, sweetheart. And Holmes sends his regards. He'll also be over for brandy._

**If you had fun, more is on the way. In the future, Holmes may pop in from time to time with his own column. As with "Psychotherapy of an Opera Phantom," I'm looking forward to reader participation, so if you have a question for the good doctor, I'd love to hear it! :)****  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again! Before we get started, a quick thank you to ImXDragon for the question. I've often wondered about that one, myself...**

Dear Dr. Watson,

How did the bullet you took in Afghanistan move from your shoulder to your leg?

A Logical Questioner

_Dear Logical,_

_I'm sorry to say that is a story for which the world is not prepared._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

I have a lodger in my house. I have the utmost respect for him and care for him as my own flesh and blood, but he can be difficult at times. I don't mind having to bring his meals in at odd times or his coming and going at the most ungodly hours, but it startles me very much when he takes up playing his violin or firing a pistol in target practice in the dead of night. How should I bring this matter up?

Shell-shocked Landlady

_Dear Mrs. Hudson,_

_I shall speak with Holmes about it personally. I may be able to put a stop to the target practice, but there's not much I can do about the violin. Rest assured, I shall do my best._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?

Rhetorical Stargazer

_Dear Rhetorical,_

_I sincerely hope you aren't asking me in earnest…_

* * *

Dr. Watson,

I have an emergency STOP. Severed thumb with blood loss STOP. Need attention immediately STOP.

Injured Engineer

_Dear Injured,_

_Again? For God's sake, man, don't wire me, just come!_

* * *

Dear Dr.

I'm considered quite capable in my profession, and command a position of authority in the metropolis. However, there is an amateur in my field who, while being a good enough fellow in his own way, quite frankly irks me. He's done me some service in the past and I hate to be ungrateful, but he doesn't show the proper respect to one such as I and behaves in a condescending and ironical manner when we have contact. What can I do in this situation?

Disgruntled Official

_Dear Lestrade,_

_Talk to Holmes._

* * *

Dear Watson,

Whereabouts on the Thames did Mr. Jonathan Small drop the Agra treasure overboard?

Merely Asking

_Dear Asking,_

_Nice try. We were probably halfway to Greenwich when Small abandoned the gold and the jewels, and there was a very strong current that night. At the moment, I feel confident saying that the greater part of the Agra treasure has slowly but surely made its way to the Atlantic. If you insist on making an attempt at recovering it for yourself, you might have better luck in attempting to dodge a poisonous thorn from the blow dart weapon of an Andaman native._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

When will we finally hear about the rat of Sumatra?

Impatient to Know

_Dear Impatient,_

_Patience is a virtue, my friend, a virtue…_

* * *

Dear Dr.

My brother and I don't see eye to eye. He's talented and clever, but he chooses to pursue the study of such base things as crime when he could follow in my footsteps and serve as an unofficial advisor to our nation's leaders and other dignitaries. I only have his best interests at heart. Any advice?

The Elder Brother

_Dear Mycroft,_

_Your brother is happiest studying the most unusual and _outré _cases in history and in solving a few problems of his own. I'm also bound to secrecy on this point, but he has advised plenty of dignitaries in his time, as you well know. I don't like to come between family, so please talk to him directly._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,

Has Holmes really ever met the Phantom of the Opera?

_I'm afraid I don't understand the question…is the Royal Opera House supposed to be haunted? I can assure you, Holmes holds no belief in the supernatural whatsoever, and the last time he went to the theater was to attend a concert. Thank you._

__**Got a question for Watson? Or even Holmes? (I'm saving those up for something special!) Let me hear it!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's been so long! ****This one was comprised entirely of questions submitted by readers, and Watson and I had fun answering them. Keep them coming!**

I have a question for the good doctor. What does one get as a birthday gift for a most difficult tenant?

_Well, I'm no expert, but I should think it depends on the tenant himself…or herself, as the case may be...I'm quite puzzled, frankly. In my experience, it's easiest just to ask the recipient, at the cost of surprise._

* * *

Dearest Doctor  
I hope you and your dear friend Sherlock are well. I am writing about a weird pain in my left leg. I'm a gymnast and after I failed to do a triple back flip in to a quarter spin. I landed at an angle and I've been in pain since then.  
Sincerely  
Concerned Gymnast

_Dear Concerned,  
Why, thank you, Holmes and I are quite well. As for your leg pain, I would advise you to come to my office as soon as possible, and I would be happy to look into the matter for you. If this is inconvenient, I would recommend some mild stretches and long soaks in a bathtub of hot water._

* * *

What countries have you traveled to, since you say you have experience of women in three continents?  
Do you assist Holmes in his chemical experiments? (since you're a medical man...)  
Has Holmes irked you to a point that you have punched him?  
If you and Holmes spar, who will win?

_Fascinating, if rather odd and impertinent questions...I have traveled throughout Britain and toured the Continent on a few occasions, visiting France, Switzerland, and of course Afghanistan, but I don't recall experiencing many women, let alone boasting about it. Perhaps you might refresh my memory just a little? I have assisted Holmes in very few experiments and none whatsoever since the incident with the devil's foot root. He's a brilliant, if daring chemist, and between us, I don't even like the thought of his conducting any experiments at all anymore. He can be a very trying colleague (not to mention flatmate) at times, but I've never actually hit him before, though it has crossed my mind on several occasions. If we were to spar-well, the male ego is a tricky thing. My pride insists I would be the victor, but plain common sense warns me against the entire scheme._

* * *

I have a question for the doctor : Does the "H" in your name really stand for Hamish or does it stand for something else? Just Wondering.

_Dear Wondering,  
That would be telling, wouldn't it?_

* * *

How do you stand Holmes?  
Just wondering

_Some days, it's quite simple; just let him smoke his pipe, play his violin, conduct his experiment, puzzle through a case, or read the agony column and sit quietly until he decides to speak. Others...there is a reason I prescribe brandy._

* * *

Dear Dr. Watson,  
Is it true that you have a gambling problem?

_Who told you that? Was it that blasted Mr. Ritchie?_

* * *

Dear Doc:  
Have you ever considered writing slash fiction?

_Pardon me? "Slash?" It sounds to me like some kind of Gothic suspense trend. Is it anything like Stoker or Shelley?_

* * *

Dear Doctor Watson,  
Does Holmes really wear a deerstalker cap?

_Um...no._


End file.
